Drugs, Sex and IPL

Every year, for almost half a decade now, the peace and serenity of our mundane lives is jolted by a spectacle entwined with glamour, pomp, scantily clad Eastern-European girls, in-your-face branding, deafening noise, more European girls and the odd sporting-skill. That is the magic of the IPL *trumpet fanfare*.

Now, that it’s over (having rolled onto the next year), I thought it’s the perfect time to reflect back on what has truly been a memorable cricket tournament. But, like the IPL, there will be very little cricket in the following post.

First off, let me start by congratulating the team led by a Delhi-ite, owned by Mumbai-kars, called the Kolkata Knight-Riders. This team has in many ways been the ‘Anna Kournikova’ of the IPL. Before this year, they hadn’t won anything, but have always got maximum footage at the event every time. Did I hear a ‘Why’ somewhere? Well, for one it’s owned by a man called Shahrukh Khan *trumpet fanfare*. Points 2, 3, 4 and 5 are the same as above. Yes, love him, hate him (or ban him), you can’t ignore him. The undisputed king (badshah) of Bollywood, is the face of the Kkkkkkk…Kolkata Knight-Riders. His mere association with the team lets out a Pandora’s box of stories, controversies, gossip and anonymous bloggers. His signature wave from the Eden balcony sends the crowd into waves of hysteria. This year was no exception. Even though, his team won, it was G-One who infused life into the tournament. Let’s start with the ‘Wankhede’ fiasco. Why did it blow out of control –

Faux-pas: 1 You never tell someone from Bollywood to keep off the grass.

Faux-pas: 2 (and most importantly) Don’t use authority to incite a drunk Delhi-boy. And always, always know ‘woh kaun hai’ (information about an odd relative or two couldn’t hurt your chances either)

The blunders were made and it didn’t go down too well with Vilasrao Deshmukh and the MCA, resulting in the infamous actor being banned from the Wankhede for five years (or till Ritiesh Deshmukh delivers a hit, whichever comes first).

Giving the KKR company on the controversies bandwagon was another high-profile team, owned by a man, who like the ‘Badshah’ likes to live life king size. Yes, ladies, gentlemen and disgruntled Kingfisher Airlines’ passengers – we’re talking about the king of good times Dr. Vijay Mallya and his Royal Challengers of Bangalore. Unlike the KKR, this team has many protagonists who can lay their claim on being controversy’s favourite child. Let’s get to know more about some of these charming gentlemen –

Contestant:1 Dr Vijay Mallya – After raking in the moolah by getting the country drunk, Mr Mallya decided he needed to diversify his business. So, The UB Group introduced their own airline – Kingfisher Airlines (for the benefit of this blog-post, I will not divulge into its functioning or lack thereof). However, Dr Mallya still felt incomplete every time he woke up (next to a woman the average man would jerk off to). So, he decided to venture into sports, giving us the Force India formula 1 team and the Royal Challengers of Bangalore.

Contestant: 2 Sid Mallya – The man epitomizes the word ‘Chu’. We all know a Sid Mallya. Every pretentious, rich brat, living off daddy’s accolades and wealth, going around in his fancy chauffeur-driven cars and treating women like arm-candies (in effect, your quintessential chu). Yes, with the qualification of being Vijay Mallya’s son, Sidhartha Mallya (the self-professed ‘Business Boy’) has taken over the reins of the RCB. Unfortunately, the son didn’t change the fortunes of the team. Hence, the only thing lying in RCB’s trophy cabinet is Deepika Padukone.

Contestant: 3 Virat Kohli – BEHEN…… MADAR….. Enough said.

Contestant: 4 Chris Gayle – This guy is as laidback as a procrastinator who’s ODd on Alprax. He’s the one who’s threatened to replace Deepika with silverware. He’s the one who has singlehandedly taken the tournament to a whole new level. He’s the one who made sure Priyanka Chopra turned over a new leaf in Fashion (Yes, yes, I know). Christopher Henry Gayle is the shite.

Contestant: 5 Luke Whatever-his-name-is – With such stalwarts in their ranks, it was a real dampener that some second tier Australian grabbed the limelight. But unfortunately, that wasn’t the only thing Luke Pomersbach grabbed this season. An Australian batsman, who primarily plays in domestic leagues across the globe, was elevated from the RCB bench to the top of their sleaze race when he tried to molest and assault and American girl and her fiancé respectively. Although, his potentially headlining acts had to play second fiddle to Chota Mallya’s sexist ranting on Twitter, Luke had announced himself on the world scene.

Next in line is my favourite team The King’s Eleven Punjab (Yes, I’m Punjabi. Guilty!). Led by the honorable Adam Gilchrist, with key players like uuuhhh…ummm…woh kaun tha..moving on. The face of the team has always been the same – in the form of one of their owners Preity Zinta (even though that face has changed drastically over the years). Preity (which thesaurus will tell you is a synonym for ‘bubbly’), has always backed the team which she started with her boyfriend (at the time) and heir-apparent of Bombay Dyeing – Ness Wadia.  Although, their relationship couldn’t stand the test of time *snort snort* (that’s neither Preity nor Ness crying), they’ve maintained their joint ownership of King’s Eleven. And King’s Eleven like a kid from a broken family have gone astray, scarring their hardened fans for life. The only solace for all Punjab fans is a mini-vacation they can get to enjoy, when they go to watch a game at one of their home-venues in Dharamsala (possibly the most picturesque sight since Pre-nosejob Preity).

Still to come – The Chennai Superkings, The Delhi Daredevils, The Mumbai Indians, Rajasthan Royals, Deccan Chargers, The Pune Warriors and Sidhu’s Sidhuisms – “Hope is bigger than the pope, it’s a tope”